Oww, My Sword!
by Lumi75
Summary: Think you had a bad day? Then consider the case of Shinsengumi officer Yamazaki Sagaru on the day life seems to keep trying to kill him, but failed. Shinpachi & Yamazaki


_~All characters owned by Sorachi-sensei~_

_~Based on a true story~_

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**OWW, MY SWORD!**

Shinpachi's POV

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One night at Three AM, my cellphone rang.

"Moshi-moshi…?" I mumbled sleepily.

"Shinpachi-kun…?" The voice on the other end was soft and timid.

"Huh?"

"I sat on my…my…." His voice was pleading like a kitten mewing.

"Say what?! Who are you?"

"I'm Yamazaki Sagaru from the Shinsengumi!"

"Oh, Yamazaki-san!" I said warmly. After our first meeting at the cherry-blossom-viewing festival, we had become fast friends. We sometimes met up to play badminton by the riverbank with Musashi and other homeless bums. He was always going hyper about his badminton racket,bragging in his boyish, cheerful voice,_ my Yonex this, or, my Yonex that._ That was why I was shocked to hear his trembling tone.

"What's happened? Is something wrong?"

"I'll tell you when you get here."

"Are you okay?"

"Um, yeah…fufufufu…" A pained giggling sound reached my ears. "Well, no…not really…I mean, that is… if you can spare the time…" He dithered.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at Edo Hospital."

"THE HOSPITAL?!" I yelled. "Omigosh! Stay right there, I'm picking you up right away!" I jumped out of bed, dressed quickly and ran to Gin-san's scooter, which I had borrowed for the night.

***

As soon as I stepped into the hospital lobby, I found Yamazaki seated awkwardly on a couch, leaning sideways. His face was pale and his brow shimmered with sweatdrops, but once he saw me, he broke into a big smile of infinite gratitude.

"Thank you for coming, Shinpachi-kun."

"No problem, Yamazaki-san! Now can you tell me what happened to you?"

"I…I…" He hung his head and blushed deeply. "I'll tell you, but please don't laugh, okay?" As he squeaked out the words, his eyes squeezed shut and hands rubbed the armrest of the couch.

"Huh? Why would I?" I faked a stern face. Infected by his goofy behaviour, I was already chortling silently from my belly.

"Um…." He hesitated.

"Go on...tell me..." I clapped my hands over my mouth to hide my grin.

He hung his head even lower and voice dropped audibly.

"I sat on my… s-s-s-samurai s-s-word."

"_**OWWWWW!!**_" All my hair stood on end and I screamed madly as if I were the one whose butt was cut. I lept up from my chair and shivered, petrified with horror, the first and last fingers of both hands sticking up.

"G-gomen!" He shouted apologetically.

"Geh...Gah!" I squeezed my hands into fists and banged on the chair to suppress my rising snorts, face turning red.

"Please…don't laugh!" He stared at me with sadly puppy eyes. "Please…." he also started to giggle. "Don't make me laugh…it hurts…" He gripped his sides with both hands.

"Wahahahaha!"

"Please…don't laugh!"

"Mwahahahaha!" I felt uncontrollable giggles ripple through my body.

Infected by my laughter, Yamazaki too, started squirming on the couch, gripping his sides in pain.

"Wehehehehe!"

"Bwahahahaha!" My stomach was convulsed by contractions.

"Oh...oh...stop!....OWWWW!!" I gasped, it hurt so much I thought I was going to die! "Owwwww Ohohohoho!"

"Gyahahahaha!" Yamazaki moaned, still giggling.

"I-I'm sorry", I finally said, taking a deep breath and feigned nonchalance. "How did that happen?"

"It was in the driver's seat of the patrol car. I sat on it by accident."

"If you sat on it…then how come you're still…"

"Still alive? " Yamazaki shot me a wry grin. "'Cause I sat on the end of it."

"Which end??"

"The f-f-flat part, isn't it obvious? How else could I still be alive?!"

"Oh…no!!" I waved my hands to stop my chuckles from leaking out. "D-did the doctor s-s-sew you up?"

"Yes, he manage to stitch me up- stitch my butt back together again."

"Owww!"

"Cut it out, it's your brain that's broken!"

"All right, what do you need me to do for you?"

"I need to get back to my bed at the Shinsengumi Headquarters. Can you help me?"

"Of course, my friend." I supported one of his arms around my shoulder and we stumbled haphazardly to Gin-san's scooter, weaving left and right like drunken fools.

"You will have to stand on the steps while I drive."

"Let me drive, I can drive standing up!"

"No…please, there is some blood on your bottom, I don't want to look at it!"

Resigned, Yamazaki got up and leaned sideways on me as we sputtered down the deserted street. I put an arm around his waist to keep him from flying off.

***

_BIII BIII!_

"Oi, oi, oi, Aniki! Stop right there! Illegal driving!"

Okita Sougo said in a bored voice, whistle dangling from his lips. He stepped out from an alleyway, one hand outstretched.

"Yikes!" My eyes bulged out of my head and I swerved sharply to avoid him. We crashed into several large garbage cans one of which rolled sideways and knocked into the Shinsengumi officer. He fell over, lay flat on his back and appeared unconscious.

"Vice-Captain Okita!" Yamazaki yelled, dashing over and shaking him like a wooden puppet.

Okita finally woke up. "Yamazaki-kun? You didn't come back from your errand. What happened to you?"

Cold sweat poured down Yamazaki's face. "I can explain!"

"It better be good…" Okita threatened. "Where's the vacuum cleaner we ordered?"

"Why," Yamazaki blurted out defensively. "It was all your fault to start with. If not for you shooting a hole in the ceiling of the Shinsengumi HQ with your bazooka, then the rain wouldn't have flooded the Headquarters and I wouldn't have been ordered to go rent a wet/dry vacuum to suck the water out from the tatami…."

"Get to the point." Okita demanded.

"As I was about to drive to the vacuum store, the patrol car had a flat tire. So I changed the tire then went back inside to report to Hijikata-san. When I picked up the phone, the sparks that flew out so startled me that I ripped the phone right off the wall. Then I was stuck inside the room until another member had to kick the door down because the shoji screen was too waterlogged to slide open. When I ran out, someone had stolen my car. Since it was low on gas, I found it stopped by the road two blocks away with two culprits getting out and running off. I drew my sword and chased after them. I got the car back, I tossed my sword through the open window and pushed the car to the gas station. After that, I filled up the tank, I got into the driver's seat…and then…"

"And then…" Okita raised his eyebrow.

"And then I…I...I…" Yamazaki blushed bright red, hugged his arms and squirmed.

"Wahahahaha!"

"Mwahahahaha!"

"Please…don't laugh!"

"Gyahahahaha!"

Both Okita and I rolled on the ground laughing uncontrollably.

***

Please, enough of making fun of the poor man. He's had a terrible day. Remembering my manners, I quickly supported Yamazaki again and drove him back to his room at the Shinsengumi Headquarters. As we stumbled like drunken madmen down the corridor to his room our feet made squelching sounds on the wet tatami. My sandals and hem of my pants became soaked.

"Whoa, the floor's slippery…!"

The shoji screen to Yamazaki's room was completely wet and mushy, it took all our strength to slide it open. Almost immediately, light fell on an object lying dead in the middle of the room with plaster fallen all over it until it merged into one solid block of white. It was Yamazaki's favorite badminton racket; it had been smothered and crushed to death by the wet, falling plaster from his ceiling.

"Nooo!!" Yamazaki screamed desperately, running forward resuscitate his precious racket.

"Stop! Yamazaki-san, you might slip…!!"

He fell with a loud smack on his tailbone.

Omigosh! "Yamzaki-san! Yamazaki-san!" I rushed forward, yelling my head off. "Are you okay?!"

He regained consciousness and nodded weakly. Tears filled his eyes and his hand grasped my shirt. No, I mustn't let him remain in such a dreadful place a minute longer! I dragged him back to the scooter and drove him to a love hotel. After placing him on the bed, I took off all my clothes and went into the shower.

"Oi, oi! Too fast! I shouldn't have done that," I screamed mentally, eyes bloodshot, rubbing the shampoo on my head in a frenzy. "Now readers will think I'm about to take advantage of him! No, I'm not that kind of person!" I immediately dried myself off and dressed as neatly as possible back in my white shirt with blue stripes and blue hakama.

Yamazaki-san was lying sideways on the bed, passed out. I walked over and saw some dried tears on his cheeks. "_Yonex…my Yonex_…," he moaned, hands feebly grasping the air from time to time.

I reached out and held one of his hands. His fingers curled around it. He calmed down and a small smile appeared on his face.

Oh well….

So I turned off the lights and fell asleep beside him, holding hands.

_FIN_

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